Yesterday, I had to go to Walmart.

Yes, yes, I know. It’s a weak way to start a post. But if you go back and reread the opening sentence again, you can tell it really wasn’t my choice to go there.

For those of you who still don’t get the reference, let me tell you again, but this time with the proper amount of emphasis. Yesterday, I HAD TO go to Walmart. I only went there because my girlfriend needed a few grocery items. Walmart was the only place that carried a couple of particular items she needed for the kids, so instead of going to a bunch of different stores, I went to Walmart for her. Needless to say, I am not a big fan of Walmart for several reasons.

First of all, Walmart is ghetto. It will always be ghetto, and it will probably die ghetto and come back to life as another zombie ghetto retail giant. How do I know this? For starters, look at the location where they put a Walmart. It is always in the poorer, socially depressed, and run-down parts of town. Ever notice you never see a Walmary in Beverly Hills, CA. Rodeo Drive, 5^th Avenue in New York City, and other establishments where people walk upright when they shop.

Now, before you think I’m some sort of snob or, as others would call “Bougie,” hear me out.

I’m sure Walmart has changed over the years. I’m sure in the beginning, Sam Walton, the founder, started his business as a lovely little shop that grew into a decent chain of stores and has now degraded into the mega petri dish of social and merchandise bacteria the world has come to love.

I can’t remember the last time I saw a greeter at the door of a Walmart. You remember “The Greeter,” don’t you? Usually, it was manned by a senior citizen who couldn’t retire and had to take the job because they either made terrible financial decisions when they were younger or didn’t make enough money from social security to cover their basic needs, like buying dog food for dinner. These people were not happy to be there, and you could tell this just by the looks on their faces. I remember walking into a Walmart years ago, and this old man who was the greeter at the store said, “Welcome to Walmart. Get your shit and get out.” Why should they be happy when they work at Walmart?

And speaking of the people who work there…

Have you ever noticed that Walmart has become the retail equivalent of Starbucks? It’s like all the people in the world who had their hair dyed to match what is in a box of crayons, who also had more tats than my brothers in a biker gang but who also failed their test on how to make a frappuccino at Starbucks all went to work at Walmart.

In all fairness to my brothers in a biker gang, at least the words on their tats are all spelled correctly. The ones I’ve seen on some of the employees at Walmart, not so much.

Then there is the merchandise in the store itself.

It is all crap. And we know it’s crap because that’s why we all go to Walmart because they sell crap. We buy crap because, thanks to the way the government has been dicking around with the economy, we can’t afford to buy the good stuff anymore, so we buy crap. And where is the best place to buy crap? Why Walmart, of course!

We all know that what we buy at Walmart will not last forever. What we buy at Walmart is the stuff we get to tie us over until we can afford to buy the good stuff we wanted in the first place.

Take school clothes, for example. As a parent who has been there and done that, I believe Walmart is the best place to buy cheap school clothes. I don’t skimp on quality for my kids, but there is a reason for my madness.

First of all, Kids grow. And they grow when you least expect it. You could take a kid out and buy them hundreds of dollars in school clothes from a quality establishment selling high-end clothing that would last the entire school year and fit them when they were in the store. Come find out, when you get home, they’ve already outgrown them.

Now you are out hundreds of dollars for clothes that fit nobody in your family. But if you were in Walmart and bought the same clothing, you’d only be out about $8.25. Granted, the clothing at Walmart would not survive the vicious effects of your child walking through a morning fog, but hey, you could go out and get another set of clothing for the same kid for only another $8.25.

Have you ever walked into a Walmart, looked at the stuff they have for the public to buy, and thought to yourself. “This stuff is just two weeks away from being sold at a garage sale.”

But now, Walmart wants to become your “Grocery store of choice,” to do that, it has come out with its own brand called “Great Value.” Many red flags pop up when I see a brand name called “Great Value.”

First, Great Value just brings up images of things like Used Cars. Oh sure, it will get you where you want to go, but it is not as good as the stuff they have on the showroom floor. Why is it such a value? Value for whom? Maybe a value for them because they forget to add flavoring, chewability, and the antidote for the poison you just consumed.

Next, have you eaten this stuff? I did, and I immediately thought of the Sylvester Stallone movie Judge Dredd, where I heard this phrase during the film that stuck with me forever: “Eat recycled food. It’s good for the environment and okay for you.”

Do you know what recycled food is actually called?

Shit.

And speaking of shit. Let us talk about how Walmart treats its customers.

You’ve walked into the store where someone to told you to get your shit and get out. You’ve meandered down aisles and aisles and purchased some future garage sale merchandise. You’ve also picked up some recycled food for dinner tonight, and then you get to the checkout lines.

Whether you use Walmart’s SelfCheckout (which is becoming as scarce as celebrating Father’s Day at a local Child Support Office) or have one of their tattooed freaks scan your stuff and put it in plastic bags, which cost you a dime a piece, you are given a long skinny piece of paper that shows exactly what you paid for.

Never mind that they have people at the Self Check out watching you scan your purchases and put them in the bags or carts. Never mind that the tattooed freak was the one who scanned every item in your cart and put it all in the aforementioned plastic bags. Once you leave that store, you must show your receipt to another underpaid societal misfit to prove you didn’t rip off a company with a $550.66 Billion net worth.

There are 5 states where you are legally required to show your receipt: California (where I am currently being held hostage), Florida, Illinois, New York, and Washington. But as for the other 45 states, they can’t stop you. However, the store can call the cops only if there is probable cause of theft or fraud. However, if you don’t show them your receipt, Walmart can “ban you from their store.”

Oh no! Do you mean I no longer shop at the nation’s largest freakshow and discount trash provider? Egads! How will I ever survive?

Kind of reminds me of when they used to threaten me in elementary school with “This will go on your Permanent Record” bullshit.

But to me, checking my receipt at Walmart is ridiculous. If I went through their Self-Service section, there would be a “Walmart Guard/Associate/Employee/Felon of the Month” watching my every move to ensure I scanned everything. If I went through a regular check stand, the employee of Walmart scanned all my stuff. Are you telling me that not only do you not trust me, but you also don’t trust your own employees/associates/future reality show subjects?

Have you ever seen the people they have checking your receipts? Walmart puts them there because it’s their version of “Modified Duty.” “Associates” that are 2 steps away from going out on disability, and Walmart doesn’t want to have to shell out for their benefits. A 3-year-old with a bad attitude and a Nerf gun could get by “Walmart’s last line of defense” in their efforts to keep people from supposedly stealing an extra bag of recycled food.

To be honest with you, I’m sick of that place. Never mind that whenever I go into a Walmart, I am incredibly urged to get a Tetanus Shot. I’m just tired of their crap (not just the recycled stuff they sell, either). I’m tired of their cheap merchandise. I’m tired of having to inject myself with an antidote for anything I consume from that place. I’m tired of having to scan my items to purchase because they can’t get enough tattoo models or reality show dropouts to man a cash register. And I’m tired of being questioned by someone who was actually there at the parting of the Red Sea if I paid for everything in my cart.

Goodbye, Walmart….Hello Amazon!

I now return you to your regularly scheduled life…already in progress.