Let’s face it: We all have jobs that demand our attention, things to do for our family & friends, and places to be (whether we want to be there or not). It seems that we are all rushing around just trying to get shit done so we can either move on to the next “important” item on our list of crappy things to do or so we can just relax and enjoy our favorite adult beverage.

And for the most part, we are used to running around at breakneck speeds to get things done. It’s what we do. It’s what our society has become. Rushing to and fro. Keeping our momentum moving. I like the quote by Oscar de la Rental, who said: “Speed is not a luxury; it’s a necessity.”

Given the fact that we as humans have this innate desire/credo/instinct to keep things moving, we’ve built planes that fly faster than the speed of sound, highspeed rail systems, and high-end production cars that can do over 200 mph, so when did we suddenly decide that “Going Slow is Cool”?

Let me give you a few examples.

You are trying to get on the freeway or any major interstate artery used for speedy and efficient travel anywhere in the United States (or, if in Germany, that really cool thing called “The Autobahn”). Now, as most people with more than a single-digit amount of brain cells in their blunt skulls know, if you are entering this type of system of transportation, it is customary, nay mandatory, to not only speed up to join the said system of transportation but to also maintain the minimum speed limit required to travel along said system of transportation.

Most people would agree with the above paragraph…except those driving a Toyota Prius or a Tesla with a low battery.

I kid you not; I think I’ve been cursed by God himself to be stuck behind these assholes.

Imagine being stuck behind a Prius on the freeway. They are doing 45 in a place where going 65 is the bare minimum, and they are in the fast lane! You can’t get past them because the rest of the people on Earth are zooming past you at speeds that Einstein only dreamt about. You just know the driver of this underpowered piece of shit is listening to NPR on their radio based on the assumption of the Kamala Harris bobblehead on top of the backseat & all of the Greenpeace and “Co-Exist” bumper stickers plastered on the back of their car.

These people have no life, and it shows. They are in their own little world of “Lollipops and Unicorns” fueled by the 30-year-old LSD tabs they found in their parent’s closets. I mean, you would have to be stoned out of your ever-loving mind or mentally deficient to drive one of those underpowered mechanical rollerskates.

One time, I was stuck behind a Prius on the freeway, and to my horror, there was a slight incline heading up a hill. This causes this useless mode of transportation to go from the breakneck speed of a three-year-old on a tricycle to the slowness of your 90-year-old grandmother using a walker. But lucky for me, I was behind a Prius owner with money. Because at that particular moment, I saw the driver flip a switch on their steering wheel, thus engaging his “Turbo Package,” which was nothing more than a hamster running on a stationary wheel, giving his engine that extra “push” it needed to go up said hill.

The hamster alone increased his engine output by 65%.

Next…Electric vehicles.

Maybe I’m old fashioned in my thinking, but…one would think that if one was stupid enough to buy a vehicle that has the sound of a battery-powered weedeater, one would think they would remember to charge said piece of crap, or at least carry a couple of AA batteries as a back up before they get on the freeway.

 If you own an electric car, then you are living proof of why certain decisions should not be made when either drunk, on crack, or based on the recommendations of John Kerry and various Members of Congress. However, I do believe in giving props when props are due. Some of the cars that Tesla has put out look pretty cool. I will definitely give you that. But have you seen their trucks? They look like the aborted love child of Optimus Prime and Rosie, the Robot Maid from The Jetsons.

What good is an electric vehicle in the real world anyway?

Two words: It’s not!

Certain exceptions exist where an electric vehicle could be considered an ok alternative. Electric Fork Lifts are in a warehouse, so you don’t have to fill the buildings with noxious fumes. Yeah, I can see that. Also, on the golf course, where you want something quiet, like an electric golf cart. Not something like an 8.1 liter, 10-cylinder funny car so you can over-rev your engine while racing your buddies and doing burnouts on the greens.

Look, let us face it, electric vehicles are slow. How do I know this? When did you last see an electric race car at a NASCAR event? Or, have you ever seen an electric commercial jet? Yeah, me neither.

But, for the sake of argument, let us stick with the electric car.

Usually, people who buy these kinds of vehicles are part of the same group of people who perform their own vasectomies or Brazilian waxes. When you think about it, electric cars are not the way of the future.

Their range is minimal compared to a gas and/or diesel-powered engine. Would you risk driving from Los Angeles to Vegas in an electric car? I didn’t think so.

How about fuel stations?

Well, everywhere you turn, there is a place to buy gas. Charging stations, not so much. And then, let’s look at the time it takes to refuel your vehicle. On a gas vehicle, maybe about 10 minutes…if that, and that is if you are trying to fill the empty gas tank of your Hummer.

But with a car that looks like a vibrator on wheels (and makes the same sounds), that question would depend on the type of charging and battery system you have.

A typical electric vehicle with a 60 kWh battery takes just under 8 hours to charge from empty to wholly charged with a 7 kW Level 2 charger and just under 3 hours with a 19 kW LD Level 2 Charger. If you have a Level 1 charger, it could take days to reach a full charge. But let us say you are rich and have a Level 3 charger. They can fully charge an electric car in about 30 minutes or less, but, realistically speaking, these monstrosities are impractical to install at your house. (And who has 30 minutes to wait for your mobile vibrator to fully charge?)

So, the best case scenario is 30 minutes to charge your underpowered piece of crap vs. 5 to 10 minutes max to fuel up a vehicle that won’t get you cussed out when you are on the freeway. (Unless you are driving a Prius, then you are screwed no matter how you look at it).

The next time a person asks you what they should do in regards to buying an underpowered piece of crap like a Prius, you can give them a stock, one-word answer: Don’t. And for those who ask you about a Tesla, be generous and give these morons a two-word answer: Hell and No!

Thanks for reading my post, and now I return you to your regularly scheduled life…already in progress.