Ever wonder if some laws are written to punish the good people who follow them?

There is a reason I started off my rant with such a strange question. Because I can think of a law that actually punishes those who follow it, while those who don’t or are exempt get away with it, creating tremendous impunity.

And what, you may ask, is that piece of punishing legislation? The Do Not Call List.

Registration for the Do Not Call List began on June 27, 2003, and enforcement began on October 1, 2003. According to Wikipedia, “It allows Americans to opt out of receiving most telemarketing calls by putting their phone numbers on the National Do Not Call Registry. The registry was implemented by the federal government to address the annoyance of ceaseless telemarketing calls.” At last count, there are over 240 million numbers on that list.

Now, the reason this law punishes those who follow the rule is as follows. Let’s say you are a small telemarketing business trying to get your fledgling company off the ground. In comes a client who makes unisex leopard-skin jock straps. Now your new client (Boulder Holder, Inc.) has done pretty well in the local market, but this company needs to branch out nationwide. Because they feel that everyone in America should own a unisex leopard skin jock strap. So what do you do? You, as a telemarketing company, have your employees either cold-call every number in the country and give a prewritten spiel or, if you are really high-tech, play a recording that offers the features and benefits of owning a unisex leopard-skin jock strap.

Before 2003, you could call anyone in the country with imputity and there was nothing people could do about it. But since the Do Not Call List came out, that huge base of potential customers for the unisex leopard skin jock strap has shrunk to a very minuscule amount. Because, over time, people got sick and tired of sales calls intruding into their homes and cell phones. So they put every phone number they’ve had since the 3^rd grade on the Do Not Call List. And you, being an honest and ethical businessman (as if there is an honest and ethical telemarketer), do not call the numbers on the Do Not Call List.

You would think that if your number is on that list, your life would become your own again, and you would no longer be bothered by people trying to sell you a unisex leopard-skin jock strap. But no! Because, as with any government law, certain lobbyists slipped your “favorite congressman” a well-placed “campaign contribution” that also included an all-expense-paid “fact-finding” trip to the Maldees. The bill contains loopholes and exemptions that allow these “well-meaning lobbyists” to bypass the system.

Here is a list of 5 Exemptions from the Do Not Call list:

The first one is: Political Organizations. Yes, the bastards, I mean “favorite congressman” that wrote the law in the first place, is now exempt from having to follow it (much like all the other rules they write and enact). So candidates running for office and political parties can call you to beg you for your vote, promise you crap they will never do, while asking you for money to support them in the lifestyles you wish to become accustomed to.

The second one is: Charitable Organizations: This is where it gets tricky. See, the charity can call you for money to help feed starving, struggling gender studies students in Uganda, but if they use a telemarketing company like yours to make the calls on behalf of the charity, they have to honor the Do Not Call List rules.

The third one is Survey and Research Calls: Because these are calls for information for the purpose of conducting surveys or research, like if Congressman X is sleeping with Senator Y’s wife and both the congressman and senator support funding, with your tax dollars, gender studies in Uganda, would you still vote for them? Yeah, they are not considered telemarketing and are exempt from the Do Not Call List.

The fourth one is: Existing Business Relationships: Think about this for a second. Why do you think companies want your phone number when you purchase something or as part of their “Loyalty Program”? It’s because any company can call you if you have an existing business relationship or if you have bought a product (remember the unisex leopard skin jock strap?) or services in the past 18 months. So you give a convenience store your phone number to sign up for their rewards program just to get that free cup of flavored ice. Well, for the cost of a Slurpee, they have the right to call you for 18 months. Well done, lobbyist… well done indeed!

And finally, we come to the fifth exemption: Debt Collection Calls. Personally, I think these guys should be the reason we have a Do Not Call List.

Ok, so for the most part, businesses do follow the rules and don’t call when they are told not to. But for the past couple of years, I’ve been inundated with some of the weirdest telemarketing calls from spammers I’ve ever seen.

The first one was “Hi, we are just calling to advise you it’s time to extend the warranty on your car.” At first, I thought it was from my dealership, but I realized I still had 3 years left on my existing warranty. So, I knew it was a scam. But these guys were relentless. I’d get calls from all over the country. Who knew my car warranty was so popular?

Then the most current one was: “Hi, this is Susy from the Loan Department. We are just about ready to complete your loan application for $69,000.00 and a payment of only $350.00 a month, but we need a few more details to complete your funding.”

Again, I was getting calls from all over the country, if not the world. And it was funny, but the names would change from Susy to Nancy to David to Robert, along with the corresponding voices. I have to admit that AI is doing a magnificent job in the criminal world, parting people from their hard-earned money.

I have a rule that if there is no caller ID or I do not recognize the number, I send it straight to voicemail. What is my average number of calls like this per day? About 4 to 5 A DAY! And what makes it funny is that sometimes a live person will call, and “Susy from the loan department” sounds exactly like that Nigerian Prince I spoke with about 8 years ago.

It has gotten to the point that I get more spam calls from “telemarketers” than from people who are actually trying to reach me. I’ve even sent calls to voicemail when my doctor called me from a number I didn’t recognize or an 800#.

 I wish there were a way we could send these numbers to the appropriate law enforcement agency so they could catch these people. But they are probably calling from a call center in China, India, Nigeria, or Uganda (where the starving gender studies students go to supplement their incomes). But there isn’t. And as soon as you “block” their number on your cell phone, they just call again from a different number. You get to hear Susy, Nancy, David, or Robert tell you that your loan is ready and that “They need just a few more details.”

The Do Not Call List works just about as well as the government passing more Gun legislation. It only hurts those who follow the law while the criminals get away with it.