I have to admit, working retail should be considered a level of hell that was omitted from Dante’s classic Inferno.

For starters, how many times have you walked into a store and heard the phrase “Welcome In”?

I gotta be honest with you, I’ve always hated hearing that. What the hell does “Welcome In” really mean? I mean, in my deviant mind, the term “Welcome In” can be printed on the panties of a hooker/barista who works at Starbucks.  

But what is with this Obligatory Greeting crap? I’m sure this was the “Brain Child” of an upper executive who just had his first lobotomy and now wants to show just how smart they are. They say it’s to make customers feel “welcome” when they walk into their establishment. But there is something wrong with their way of thinking.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: 99.97% of the employees hate saying “Welcome In” because while you are hearing it for the first time since entering the store, these poor schmucks have probably said it a couple of hundred times before lunch. So by the time you get there, it’s as monotonic and soul-sucking as it can possibly be. Truthfully, the people who work there really don’t give a shit if you came in or not. To them, you are a hindrance that prevents them from achieving unattainable goals mandated by corporate, as far as waiting on people while trying to put boxes of inventory on the shelves at the same time. Oh, and the other 0.03%? Those are the corporate-minded/shareholder value assholes who are really glad you showed up, but, like I said, most employees are not.

Here is another question: Why do retail employees have to wear a name tag? It’s bad enough that they have to wear uniforms, but a name tag? I mean, it’s not like anyone in their right mind would go out and buy a 7-11 t-shirt, wear it inside a store, then pretend to work there. Nor would anyone purposely wear that bizarre blue polo shirt the guys at Best Buy have to wear. So why make your people wear name tags? So they have a name to a face they want to bitch about when things don’t go their way? Because that’s the only time a name tag in the retail environment actually comes into play.

You don’t need to know who I am. I don’t need to know who you are, either. I just rang you up for a churo or an 85-inch TV, same thing to me, and that is as far as I want to carry this little relationship we were both forced into participating in.

And speaking of churos. Why in the name of God would you risk eating anything that has been on a rolling grill or under a heat lamp in a convenience store? Ok, maybe if you were terminally ill, your health insurance company just denied the one life-saving treatment you needed due to cost restrictions, and assisted suicide was banned in your state, I can see you doing it. However, for those of us who are still being screwed over by our elected representatives with no end in sight, there are other ways to go.

Do you have any idea what is in those rollers? Or what is actually in the Chimichangas? Or is that really chicken after all? Or maybe the company got a good deal on frozen pigeons, dipped them in BBQ sauce or breading, put them in a furnace-type microwave oven, then served them to you while sitting under a heat lamp that is 3 degrees cooler than the sun’s temperature. Why do you think they put the pizza slices in individual containers? It’s so you can’t see how old it is until you’ve bought it and left the store. Once you open that box and see that dried-out piece of Italian fare, you are too hungry to take it back into the store, so you just eat it.

It’s a good thing you are an organ donor, because anyone who can survive eating that shit must have some kick ass body parts that can save a few lives.

The next thing is EBT cards.

Yeah, I know I’m ranting here, but hear me out. I am willing to bet that most people working in retail are very hardworking and would rather make it on their own than rely on any government program. Granted, some really need these programs: The truly poor, the elderly, the disabled, those who are here legally, those who, for whatever LEGITIMATE (Notice the word “Legitimate” is in caps here) reason, need assistance. I think I can truly say that, for most of us, we do not mind our tax dollars going to these types of individuals.

But what I know just really pisses off those of us who have worked in retail who seen these obese carbon based life forms that are obviously not poor (as they pulled up in front of your store in a BMW), who are not elderly (this person is probably in their late 20’s or mid 30’s), obviously is not disabled (as they sped walked into your store, while still having the audacity of parking their BMW in a handicap parking space), and yet has more “bling” on their nails, wrists neck than you make in a year. Oh, did I happen to mention all of their tattoos?

And these “fine upstanding, contributing members of our community” speed down the chips aisle, the candy aisle, the soda fountain, or go grab an energy drink, or two, from the cooler, come to your register with their arms full of junk food, drop it all over your already crowded counter. I’ve actually heard them say “Thank God for EBT!” then pull out their card to pay for their $78.26 snack fest. And if you are working behind the counter, the voice in your head is just screaming, “Listen, you lazy fuck! Go put this shit back and get your raggedy ass back into your car, go to a grocery store and buy some fucking vegetables or fruit to snack on.” But no, we have to say, “Is there anything else we can get for you today?”

Which leads me to my next point: Suggestive Selling. (The next idea to come from the previously mentioned executive after getting his second lobotomy.)

Why do corporations make their employees do this? Well, obviously, so they can separate you from more of your hard-earned money to buy overpriced crap that takes mere pennies to make but costs you $6.50 to purchase. All Suggestive Selling does is piss off the customer. I’m not kidding. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard customers say, “Listen, if I wanted what you’re selling, I would have brought it up with my other items, don’t suggest anything else.” While I have personally had customers tell me, “Thank you for not trying to get me to buy extra crap that I didn’t want or need. It’s one of the reasons I come here is so I can get my stuff and get out without the hassle of listening to a sales spiel.”

Ok, so it’s not good enough for upper management to get their minions in the store to separate you from your funds via Suggestive Selling to sell you shit on overpriced items you didn’t want or need in the first place, now they have come up with a new idea: We’ll sell your data!

Yes, that’s right, Data Mining. And I’m sure you aren’t even aware of what they are doing or how. How many times have you heard the phrase as you are getting ready to pay “Do you have a phone number with us for our rewards program?” See, the brilliant part of their plan is that they get you to give them your phone number, and then they use it to track your purchases for their benefit/profit. They also say, “Why just put in your phone number when you can just download our app and make it easy on yourself.” (Never mind that this app has more spyware in it than a Chinese TikTok video.)

So, for every purchase you make, you get “points” based on what you buy and the amount of your purchase. And people take this shit seriously. I know of customers who pitch a fit if they can’t enter their phone number to get a discount on another overpriced item. If people want to sell their data to these corporate overlords in order to get a free small bag of chips that has 85% air in it, go for it.

But my issue is this: Why the fuck does it take you 5 minutes to enter your phone number? You’ve had the same number for years. Yet you can’t use a touchpad to enter it without an issue. I know that women claim they can’t do it because their nails get in the way. I’m saying that if you have nails that look like a Velociraptor’s talons, you lose the right/privilege to enter your number. Oh, another thing that happens. Once you enter your number, the system asks you if you want to use some of your points, say 8000 of them, to get an extra few pennies off your gummy worms. If you say yes, then the next question is kind of like a password: “Please enter your zip code.”

What they don’t tell you is that it’s the zip code of the area where you first signed up for this ridiculously stupid program. So people naturally put their zip code in where they live. And for the most part, it works. But what if you’ve moved since you signed up? Now you have to try and remember either your old zip code or the old address you used to live at when you signed up, so you can pull out your phone and Google your previous address to get the mystery zip code, so you can use your 8000 points, so you can save an extra $0.25 on a package of stale gummy worms.

So while all of this is going on, the line behind these cheap and stupid bastards is getting longer and longer and longer. I’ve seen customers just leave their future purchases on any available shelf and walk away. They don’t have time for this crap. No one does. People don’t care about your company’s rewards program. They don’t care about saving pennies so you can make dollars off of their buying habits. They just want to get in and get the hell out. Is any of this getting through to you?

Ok, Retail Executives, wanna hear a foolproof plan to get more customers into your store? Listen up.

Stop the Obligatory Greeting. Customers hate it, and the employees don’t mean it.

Quit having employees wear name tags. In our informational age, they can, and probably will, take a picture of the employee and find them on Google for future stalking endeavors. Basically, we don’t need to know the customers, and they don’t need to know us.

Unless you are a grocery store, quit accepting EBT cards. The government is going to crack down on this anyway; you might as well beat the rush. (But knowing the greedy bastards you are, that ain’t going to happen until the government puts a gun to your collective heads.)

Cease with the Suggestive Selling. Nobody likes it. The customers don’t like it. The employees don’t like it. In fact, the only people who do like it are the members of upper management, because they don’t have to do it or be subjected to it.

And finally. Quit with the rewards programs. And if you don’t want to quit that, at least have the balls to put a huge sign at the register that says, “By using our rewards program for any store discounts, you agree to let us sell your date for 10 times the amount we gave you in savings.” Yeah, let’s see just how long these programs last.